Secret Diary of OJ Simpson|an outlet for my emotions, my passions, my anger

Back in the 80s I did more than a few ads for Hertz rent-a-car.  The ads were based on how fast Hertz got customers to their cars.  Of course they wanted someone fast, so they hired me.  Now they are trying to revamp this.

I just got done watching “Last Comic Standing” (No hard feelings NBC, call me).  Hertz ran an ad tonight that shows a guy running through an airport and then zooming into a waiting Ford vehicle.  Need I even mention the similarities?  Come on Hertz stop using my notoriety to grow your fledgling business. If you want me back just ask.

Active Investigation

I’m not saying that W. Shatner killed his third wife. I’m just saying it should have been looked into deeper. That’s why I’m here. He may or may not have got away with a homicide.

I get acquitted, found not guilty & I can’t find a job, get a book published or appear in public without being hounded. I’m broke, but enough about me. Shatner gets off scot-free, he is actually making more coin now than ever. He’s a no talent hack who gets everything and gives nothing. Plus, he Canadian. Know what I mean? Huh?, Do ya?

So, his third wife, Nerine drowns in their pool. Billy was barely questioned. His two guard dogs apparently saw nothing, did nothing & were not questioned.

Fact: Nerine drowned

Fact: They had a sketchy relationship

Fact: Lenard Nimoy had a romantic relationship with both William & Nerine. (*that may or may not be a fact)

Fact: Shatner is a horrible actor (have you seen T.J. Hooker?)

Fact: When Nerine drowned she had severe neck trama

Fact: Shatner had no alibi at the time of the homicide, accidental drowning

Fact: William is a no talent hack

Fact: He was on that show -911- He anchored that lame ass show

Fact: He made a 911 call at the time of the murder drowning

I’m not saying he did it, YET. Am I bitter? Maybe. But more than that, I want the truth. I won’t rest until I find out what really happened to Mrs. W. Shatner III.

O.J.

The Juice’s top & bottom picks for movies

TOP MOVIES
1. Naked Gun 33 1/3 - “The final insult”

Good movie- I didn’t realize it was a comedy until the movie came out. The insult is that I didn’t get top billing.

2. Back to the Beach - Frankie Avalon & Annette

The greatest injustice in this movie is that the Juice gets no credit in this flick. I was at every production meeting, every daily, every shoot, even when they asked me to leave, I still stayed. I’m dedicated. Even when they mistook me for security, the Juice kept his cool. I even kept my relationship with that little mousketeer secret (sorry Annette). That little punk Frankie had a thing for me as well.

3. Firepower - 1979

It wasn’t a true test of my acting ability, but that wasn’t why the Juice took the part. That Italian beauty Sophia Loren begged me to be a part of the movie & I could not let that vixen down.

4. Naked Gun

I always liked this first in the series, it started the genre. Sure, some people think that lame ass Airplane started it, but you real movie buffs know where it really started. Plus, I like to be naked & I like guns. Don’t get me started on that Airplane 2 the sequel.

5. Naked Gun 2 1/2

Lame premise, but the Juice still gets phat royalties.

6. CIA code name - Alexa

Didn’t get great reviews, but the Juice shines in this movie as well. *note to Lorenzo Lamas, stop calling me, it was a one time experiment. xxooxo, -juice-

7. Silence of the Lambs

Sure, I wasn’t even in this movie, but Jodie Foster was brilliant. I had a thing for Ms. Foster until I found out she’s a dyke.

8. Capricorn One

The best movie I’ve ever been in, (besides The Naked Gun of course) I’m still waiting for the call back for Capricorn two.

9. Six Sense

I see dead people too.

10. The Fugitive

One armed man - think about it people.

Bottom Movies

1. Dodgeball- A true underdog story

I really liked most of this movie, the cameo by Lance “one testy” Armstrong was genius. But they had to ruin it with that William Shatner.

2. Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey

Bill & Ted’s excellent adventure was exactly that, EXCELLENT. Bogus journey is tired and lame. Plus, that cameo by W. Shatner ruins any & all chances for this film.

3. Star Trek VI - Undiscovered Country

I’ve discovered a horrible movie. Hey, I’ve discovered crap.

4. Star Trek V - The Final Frontier

I wish it was it was the last time I saw Shatner. Sure, your wife drowned.

5. Judgment at Nuremberg - 1961

This is where Bill Shatner starts his over-acting career.

6. Airplane 2 - The Sequel

Really, really bad movie, William Shatner murders this movie, but even if he wasn’t in the film, this would be a weak flick.

7. Double Jeopardy

‘Nuff said.

8. Star Trek III - In Search Of Spock

If your searching for a terrible movie you’ve found it. Hey Shatner, maybe you should look into your wife’s “tragic death”.

9. Star Trek - The Wrath Of Khan

If I even think about this movie again Capt. Kirk will be on the wrong end of The Wrath Of The Juice!!!! Although, Ricardo Montalban has his performance of his life. KHANNNNN!!!!!!

10. Godfather I & II

I know everyone loves this film, but there is just to much violence for me.

CJ, Chuck,

Since this is the only way I cam communicate with you guys, read up. This thing IS going to start April 7th. Try to pin this delay on me and I’ll have both your asses. Gabe tells me that this thing is not complicated. Let’s get it over with.

You guys need to quit complaining. The DA is going to try and get as much TV time as he can here. They are going to drag this thing out for a couple of weeks if they can. Just deal with it. His office has already lost a few of the witness tapes…we are all good. Let’s keep our heads in order here.

I’m off to San Fransisco. Bill and I are meeting up in San Jose then driving his Toyota Hybryd up Friday morning. I hope to God this movie will help clear my good name. My roll in this project is not for the publicity. My people tell me I can only hurt the effort. Not sure what they mean by that.

Bruce, I hope you and Lynette are enjoying the fruit basket we sent you yesterday. The FTD in Vegas helped my people pick it out special.

I hope we can mend fences. As I’ve told you on the phone this thing has gotten way out of hand.

I hope enjoy. Make sure you guys eat those bananas. Potassium is good the for the heart. All my best -Juice-

1. Panasonic flat screen T.V.’s

These are the bomb. Vizio, crap

2. Isotoner Gloves

Great gloves, good feel, have a tendency to shrink a bit. “Got to protect my linemen.” wink, hey Dan!

3. Hertz Rent a Car

Love Hertz, not a very good get away car, (stay away from the Bronco’s) *note to Hertz - TAKE ME BACK!!!!

4. Buck knives

Very sharp, be careful!!!

Top Five.

1. Survivor

2. Jeopardy - I love Alex Trabek

3. M*A*S*H - A little bloody, but that Alan Alda is a genius

4. QVC - Any knife show

5. Home improvement - Tim Allen (see Alan Alda)

Bottom Five

1. CSI Miami - Sure that David Caruso is a babe, but I’m just not down with that show.

2. CSI Las Vagas

3. Law & order - Too fake

4. Law & Order - SVU - Too violent

5. Boston Legal - That William Shatner makes my blood boil

The jucies’ view on politics and world affairs

The juice doesn’t dig the political arena, too much backstabbing…..on second thought, I’d kill to be the next President (just kidding).

Castro - Why hasn’t someone killed that cat yet? I know a guy……

I don’t think the fed is doing enough for the housing crisis.

What’s up with the “Family Circus” Cartoon? That’s the worst comic in the paper. Ditto to “Garfield” I’d love to string up that fat ass cat.

What’s your carbon footprint??? Think about that folks.

I can’t believe Ru Paul Is running for President. Wasn’t that chick a dude?

That lady Hillary is hard-core a bit too cut throat for me, but her international politics is first rate. Plus, her stance on health care is something to seriously consider.

Top ten murder/suicides the juice is trying to solve

1. Mr. & Mrs. Bordon - I think little Lizzie wacked her parents for sure, & I’ll prove it.

2. Mrs. O.J. Simpson - (case closed)

3. Jessie James

4. Rasputin

5. Kirk Cobain - no way dude blew his own head off

6. Jimmy Hoffa - had to be a suicide, he had no enemies

7. William Shatner - not yet, but soon (that bastard will get his) I hate those priceline commercials

8. JFK - what conspiracy?

9. That dudes wife, (deceased wife), you know…Barretta…..oh yeah, Robert Blake - he did it for sure

10. Julius Ceasar - Brutus was framed